Revealed: 10 Things That Happen Post Baby

Once you have children, your world changes. At least mine did. And, when I speak to women, I find that no matter our color or background, we tend to share similar experiences. I engaged in a little girl talk on Mommy’s Open Diary facebook page and discovered the Top 10 Things that Happen After Having Children. Feel free to add to the list!

10. FAMILY

Your extended family will get tired of babysitting. I’m not saying they won’t babysit, but prepare yourself for a few reluctant yes’ and your call going straight to voice mail.

Girl Talk:  If you have no other choice, take the reluctant “yes” and feel no shame. Like I tell myself, our boys won’t be little forever, and the day will come that they will be able to watch themselves, until then…it takes a village!

9. HAIR

Around 4-months after giving birth your hair will come out. No, I’m not kidding. During pregnancy, I could have auditioned for Pantene commercials. My hair was lush and gorgeous! But, four-months after giving birth, I was contemplating ordering bottles of Rogaine from Amazon.

Girl Talk: Continue taking your prenatal vitamins. Be gentle with your hair. I called my hairstylist crying, she fit me in that afternoon and created a style that hid the thinner parts of my hair and allowed the roots to grow.

8. BODY ODOR

Now I’m not saying that women stink, because that would be inaccurate and downright rude, but a woman’s pH changes after having children. Maybe you found that the deodorant you loved before having children just ain’t cutting it. Or, before having children, you used the same soap to wash your entire body, but now you find yourself standing in Target’s “Feminine Hygiene” aisle, wearing your reading glasses, comparing Summer’s Eve cleansing wash. Before the twins, it took a lot for me to perspire, now in the middle of the night I will wake up sweating like a sinner in church, like a pregnant nun, like a pig in a bacon factory…well, I think you get my point.

Girl Talk: Take your vitamins, drink plenty of water and take advantage of buy one get one free deals.

7. FRIENDS

Your relationships with your friends change, especially those that do not have children. I am still trying to find the balance. It is easy for your friends to feel neglected when you have a child. And, if you’re friends felt anything like mine, then they may have purposely distanced themselves because they THOUGHT you wanted the space.

Girl Talk: It is important to communicate yourself. Pick-up the phone or text an S.O.S to your girlfriends. If you can’t go out, have them bring the party to you…but tell’em to keep their voices down. Women need their friends.

6. I THINK I LOVE MY JOB

Okay, maybe you don’t love your job, but after a three day weekend at home cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner, cleaning, breast feeding, pumping, washing clothes, changing diapers, wiping tears, boogies and drool, playing every game imaginable, wrestling on the floor, and engaging in mind numbing toddler topics…let’s just say, “Monday morning in the office isn’t looking so bad”.

Girl Talk: Sometimes it takes one to appreciate the other.

5. BREAST

I’m sure you remember my Open Letter to my breast. All, I can say is brace yourself! Your breasts will look like “a rock in a sock”. Sure, you could do push-ups and chest flys until your arms fall off. But, you will never have that supple fullness you had before children, and you damn sure won’t have the casaba melons you had during pregnancy.

Girl Talk: Yes, You could get cosmetic surgery, but who has the money or time for that?! As I was told by a friend, “Girl, you better invest in a good bra!”

4. TIGHTNESS

Do you know the saying, “I peed laughing!” Well, after childbirth, you will pee sneezing, coughing and lifting heavy loads of laundry. I take my hat off to the vagina. For something so small to allow something as big as a butterball turkey to pass it lips, it deserves a rest…but not at my expense.

Girl Talk: If you are not rushing to share diapers with your baby, you need to start working on your Kegel exercises…yesterday.

3. SEX

It’s amazing that before birth you want to make love, and after birth you would gladly wear a chastity belt and make your partner watch you swallow the key just so they know you mean business. To make it worse, the woman’s sex drive decreases even more dramatically after the second birth. My girlfriend felt the effects so badly she compared herself to an asexual snail. I don’t even know what that means, but I peed laughing. It is such a difficult topic. As the older women would warn, “Don’t send your man out starving”, you understand that your partner wants to feel wanted, but at the same time there is nothing more uncomfortable (almost violating) than a woman making love when she has no desire. A couple has to find balance.

Girl Talk: You are not alone. Read this great CNN article. Finding intimacy is going to take time. What I’ve been told is to pour a glass of wine and get to scheming 50 Shades of Grey or anything by Keisha Ervin. Free your mind (as much as a working-mother can). If you are more tactical, try consulting your OBGYN. There is NOTHING they haven’t heard. Me and my gynecologist are the best of friends. We have actually laughed at the absurdity that “while Viagra has been a popular remedy for men with low sex drive, there is NO medical treatment on the market for female sexual dysfunction, despite the number of women who are unable to resume their pre-childbirth intimacy levels”. MEN!!!!

But, before taking drugs and beating yourself up, talk to your partner, real men with real sense will be understanding, patient and reassuring. But, if yours can’t get the blood flowing back to his brain, email me your address and I will round up every MOD mother I know, and we will hold your partner down, tape their eyes open and force them to watch childbirth videos until their penis is as numb as your C-section scar.

2. YOUR PARTNER & MONEY

Children are expensive as sh#t! Recent reports note “to raise a child born in 2013 to the age of 18, it will cost a middle-income couple just over $245,000…that’s up $4,260, or almost 2%, from the year before.” I can only speak for myself…WE DON’T HAVE IT! And, when you don’t have what you feel you need most, the stress of getting it can consume you. Do you want to see a recipe for disaster?  Take 3-ounces of a couple struggling to find their financial footing, mix in 1-cup of sleep deprivation, a dash of hormone fluctuations (to taste) and a 2-tablespoons of insecurity from a lack of sex or a partners feeling of being unappreciated. Pour the mixture into a lightly greased pan and place it in the oven on broil. You’ll know your dish is ready when the fire department arrives.

Girl Talk: It takes “faith” and “communication”. I’m no expert. Hell, I have no idea what I am doing. But, I pray hard and my husband and I talk, probably more than he would like. Granted, it doesn’t always end well, but at least its out there. Whoever said, the key to a happy marriage is never going to bed angry, did not have three kids and a 40-minute commute to work that starts at 6:30 a.m.  Maybe it’s just me, but “Happy” is a relative term. Everyday is not going to be great, but I find more comfort in seeing a situation for what it is, and committing to fight through it.

1. A NEW YOU

Despite the stress, my children make life worth it. Have you ever felt so strongly for someone that you would give your soul for them? Having my boys has revealed a love I didn’t know I possessed.  The nine-months of carrying each of them, I was their life source. Knowing that God gave women this power, this gift…it made me feel superhuman. Yes, the list of frustrations and anxiety are a mile long but I’ve never loved like this before. My boys make me better, they make me stronger.

My diary entry is this, “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.”

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