Gross & Greedy

Greedy S Dot

My son will pass gas and keep going about his business. I go to change his diaper and before I have an opportunity to wipe him clean, he’s already pulling at his “unmentionables” waiting to hear me say, “Ewww, S Dot! Stop touching it!” And now he has figured out that snot forms when he cries, so he will spend 10 minutes blowing it out of his nose and feeling it ooze onto his lips. DISGUSTING!

I was talking to my girlfriend about it this morning and she had me cracking up, “Oh guuurl that’s nothing! You just wait until he’s older. Then you’ll see how gross little boys can really be… and not to mention, greedy!”

As quick as the insult flew from her lips, her 13 year old son came barreling down the steps, “Mom, are you going to call me the Egg & Cheese monster again?”

Back story:  My girlfriend’s son Ethan is notorious for eating EVERYTHING in his sight, leaving only scraps for his sister and mother. One day he was complaining about being hungry, so his mother told him to make some eggs. After he saw that there were four in the carton, he graciously decided to scramble three eggs (with cheese) and leave one for rest of his family.

I’m not ready!

Me in my She-Ra costume and my little brother

Then, it hit me.  I may not want to deal with this, but I think I’ll be okay. I grew up with a disgusting and greedy little brother (4 years younger). He prepared me for this life. I remember being 14 years old. As soon as I would come home from school my brother would be standing at the door “locked and loaded” with a barrage of questions, “Was the bus crowded? Did you stop at the store? Do you have any candy? You wore that to school? What’s wrong with your hair? Mommy said you have to help me with my homework. When are you going to warm up dinner? Etc…” He would chase me to my room with questions until he had me cornered. And, that is when I would smell it– a funk that reminds you of the deepest depths of a boy’s football locker—the dreaded stench of SWEATY UNDERARMS.

I would scream.

Me and my BIG little brother

Me:  BOY, DID YOU PUT ON DEODORANT TODAY?!?!

Him: Nope! <spinning with his arms spread out to his sides> (the odor filling my room)

Me: OH MY GOD! YOU STINK! <pushing him out the door>

Him: <still spinning> It’s my secret weapon!

When it comes down to it, at some point in their lives, most boys are gross. They wipe their nose with their forehand. They burp out loud. They find joy in smelling their farts. They hate taking a bath. Deodorant is their arch enemy. They find brushing their teeth to be a nuisance. And, on top of that, they eat all of your food.

Am I ready? Yes, because their grossness just adds to the list of embarrassing stories we can tell when they’re older. And, with a little luck (and Speed Stick) they turn out to be clean, respectful and giving MEN—like my little brother!

My Diary entry is this, “Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails—that’s what little boys are made of.”