I Have To Stop Comparing Myself…

I watched Beyoncé’s beautiful documentary this weekend with my husband. Of course, I could have listened to her talk about motherhood for the full 90 minutes but I’m a bit of a nut that way. As the end credits scrolled, I turned off the TV, brushed my teeth and got into bed. As I was laying in the dark, I felt a pit in the center of my stomach and I was flooded by thoughts racing through my mind. Within seconds I was under a slight weight of sadness. My stomach was in knots. “What the hell is my problem?” <yes, this is how I speak to myself>. And, then it hit me.

I was sick with thoughts of inadequacy.

When I was child I had dreams of being a great success. I wanted to be recognized for making a contribution to society. And, based on my brilliant accomplishments, I would be afforded the opportunity to travel the world and spoil all those I love with the riches they deserve. But, after watching Beyoncé’s documentary and seeing everything that she has fulfilled in her young life, not to mention the path she has blazed for the future of her family…I felt like a loser.

Not a loser that seeks to bring winners down because of jealously…yuck, I hate those losers! But, I felt like a loser who knows they aren’t really a loser, but they’re so disheartened that they haven’t accomplished as much as they set out to achieve that the only term their ego shouts is “LOSER”!

Please note that I clearly understand that I am NO Beyoncé. But, I AM the kind of person who wants to be the best, give the best and receive the best. And seeing a glimpse into Beyoncé’s life was a reminder that I am not where I want to be– and I am no longer at the age where I can say, “When I grow-up…”.

And, that is when I called my girlfriend…

You should meet her. She’s a dynamo. I compare her to Olivia Pope. She’s the type of woman who works hard to provide the best for all those around her. She is a gifted listener and if she can’t fix your problem, she knows someone who can.

We were on the phone and before I knew it I was pouring my heart out. And, in her true “Olivia Pope” fashion she was more than ready to fix me. She shared that her daughter had been begging her for permission to invite this particular classmate over to the house.

My Olivia Pope…

She was reluctant to give in because you never know how these kids are going to act and she wasn’t too excited about having random children in her home. But, she eventually caved! When the little girl arrived, she changed the energy in the room. She was so kind–the most genuine, pleasant and gracious presence. The type of girl you would want your 9 year old daughter to be around. At the end of the evening, my girlfriend loaded everyone in the car to drop off the young lady. After following the GPS, they turned the corner into one of the city’s most dangerous neighborhoods— full of boarded homes and police cameras. They walked to the door and the little girl’s mother greeted them as they all walked into the very small and narrow row home that holds the family of six children. The house was in need of drastic repairs but it was hard to see it past the love the family showed for each other. The point my girlfriend was trying to make is that there is nothing wrong with wanting more, but don’t get so far ahead of yourself that you don’t appreciate what you have.

This week I’ve engaged in a lot of soul searching conversations with my husband, family and friends…. and they have all echoed the same sentiments. Striving for the best is wonderful, it’s what makes us the driven people we are–we don’t settle! But, you have to remind yourself that what God has for us is by unique design.

My diary entry is this, “ The moment you start comparing yourself, you lose yourself.”

<I need to keep this on replay!>