(standing in line at Bank of America with S Dot…an older lady stands behind us)
Her: Your son is so handsome!
Me: Aww, thank you very much. I appreciate that.
Her: You just don’t see enough women like you having children.
Me: <hmm, I’m not sure I like where this is going.>
Her: Women get educated and decide they don’t want to have babies. It’s just selfish!
Me: <cautiously> I can’t say that I agree. It’s not selfish; it’s their choice.
Teller: I can help the next person in line.
Me: <Thank God!>
I always told myself I wasn’t going to have children. My plan was to move to New York, purchase a loft apartment, become a power player in Marketing, make a decent living, get a Chinese Shar-Pei and date (a lot). And on any given day, that still sounds like a great plan. But that wasn’t my path, and I have absolutely NO regrets. I love my little family. But, if another woman told me that having a family was not what she wanted for her life, I would not dare call her selfish. Heck, I only have one child and not a moment goes by that I am not racking my brain stressed about how we are going to protect him from the craziness in this world, how to find the money to pay for daycare, nursery school, private school, college, how to ensure he is smart enough not to be trapped by some of these “hot in da tail” girls, and heaven forbid if my husband and I can no longer see eye-to-eye—divorce is a reality, and raising a child alone can be a struggle.
So no, if a woman decides that bringing a child into this world is not something that she is comfortable with, she should be supported not scolded.
It is my opinion that “selfish” is consciously having a child and knowing that you are not prepared to handle the responsibility. Selfish is having a baby because you think it’s fun or because your friends have one; selfish is becoming pregnant in order to keep a person who does not want you. I can give you a list of a million things that are selfish, but a woman who decides not to have a child because she does not feel she is ready is not one of them.
My diary entry is this, “Do you BooBoo!”
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As Seen on BlogHer
As Seen on BlogHer
Thank you for this. I am CBC (childfree by choice) and I am doing a research paper for my Masters on how society sees and treats CBC’s. I have had the opportunity to interview dozens of people like myself, and have found so many reasons why people do not have children. Do I regret it? No. Not one bit. I am 35, and working slowly towards my Masters, working, plus volunteering both for a local science center, and as a sexual assault advocate. I find it rude that women think that my life would be unfulfilled, or boring without kids. I am choosing to spend my time helping others, and giving our poor planet a break from the carbon footprint of yet another first world kid.
My TRUE family as mentioned by your previous reader is my husband, my close friends (who I have chosen, not those who happen to be connected to me just by blood) and our blood families, our holidays are loud, and fun and perfect, and yes there is nothing like coming home to a quiet lovely home afterwards.
I do keep seeing more and more mothers coming out to defend the CBC lifestyle and I thank you. I thank you for realizing that 1) it is not always a choice and 2) everyone is just trying to live the best life they can, so why judge.
Sorry I ranted on your blog!! Take care and Thanks!
Shawna thank you for taking the time to share. Come back anytime.
I imagined my life like you did: career woman, single, living in a fast pace town/city, but minus the dog and dating a lot . I always imagined that I wouldn’t have time for dating. I totally understand women who choose not to have children. However, I do think they miss out on the opportunity to bond with their very own offspring. They miss out on going “Half on a Baby” with that special man. I love kissing and hugging on my children. They will miss out on having a TRUE family and holidays must be depressing. They will most likely be lonely. Someone recently said ” people without children have a boring life.” I must agree because there is never a moment of boredom in my life with all the activities and running around. Can I just say when these women grow old there will be no one there who cares enough to change their diaper.:)
I truly see your point. And, I appreciate the fact that you are saying this from a place of honestly caring that someone may be missing out on joy that is incomparable. But, the woman in Bank Of America was speaking from a place of “nastiness”. And, I think that is what set me off. I have girlfriends who are honorary aunts and god-mothers to a million children. They know that it is not the same as having their own, but this is where they are in their life and they’re happy. I have girlfriends who have not found the right person to settle down with. If they had overheard this woman I am sure they would have been offended because their decision to not have children is not something that they readily accept, but it’s just the situation they are in.
We are blessed to have created a family… and to think that I would have sped past it is unbelievable, but I also understand that everyone’s path is different. And, we should be like you and speak from a place of caring, not like “Bank Lady” and speak from a place of judgement. Ooh, I’m still hot!!!
Donna you’re the best. People don’t usually say this, but thank you for reading my diary!