Make Me Wanna Holler

Posted by in Diary | 4 comments

I want Mommy’s Open Diary to be a bright spot, a point of positive conversation, a place where we can laugh about this crazy thing called parenting. But, I haven’t been in a positive place for a few months, and it is effecting my spirit. There is so much darkness spreading throughout the world it has been difficult for me to find a balance between my “surrounding reality” and my “immediate reality”. What does that mean? Well, my surrounding reality is the 129 deaths in the recent Paris attack, the 147 deaths in Kenya, or the growing protest of the Black Lives Matter Movement. My immediate reality is that my twin sons have a speech delay and I am stressing trying to figure out how much our insurance will cover the treatment. All four are important, but only one depends on my immediate attention.


Lately, my “surrounding reality” has started to weigh on my immediate focus. It is hard for me to put my boys to sleep, while holding back tears recounting the last moments of Kendal Fenwick’s life. A 24-year-old father of three who I didn’t even know. While french fries and chicken nuggets warmed on the stove for his family, he stepped out to his car and was gunned down. He was an activist who cared about his community, and wanted better for those around him. He stood up to the drug dealers in his neighborhood and he paid the ultimate price. What creeps into my mind during the quiet moments of my day is that police officers say, “That as Kendal was being fired upon he ran in a different direction of his home. He knew that his children were in the house and he did not want to bring them harm.” His children were his last thoughts.

That’s what my husband would have done. That’s what my father would have done. My uncle, my brother, my father-in-law…they all could be Kendal Fenwick. And, as I wrote in “Feeling Some Kinda Way“…I’m scared.

Kendal_Fenwick_Vigil_0_26800052_ver1.0_640_480My husband and I had to move from a home we loved because we constantly had run-ins with ignorant neighbors and dealers who would sit on our steps or the hood of our cars. They would blast loud music, curse and throw trash. My husband and I would confront them and call the police. And, yes, they would leave for moment, but they always returned. There were others in the neighborhood who were just as frustrated but they were older and scared of confrontation. My husband, being the man he is, was never willing to back down. And, after a while, we became known for being outspoken. Because of this our house and our cars were vandalized, and there were days we felt like hostages in our own home.  Then we found out we were pregnant with twins. I was honestly faced with the fact that one day, one of these confrontations were going to turn violent and I could lose my husband…either by death or jail. I would be left to raise three boys on my own. All of this because we wanted a safe environment for our family. We ultimately moved.

Kendal Fenwick did not. He was a lone wolf amongst monsters.

In no way am I saying that there is not a disproportionate target of violence by the police against minorities in America. But, I am saying that the streets have a longer reach than the law. And, because of that, it is sometimes easier to fight against the political system than it is the gang right outside your front door. And, if you don’t believe me ask the relatives of the Dawson Family, and countless others across the country who stood up and said, “Not on my watch”.

I wish I had the answer but I know the problem is that we have to stop the killing of innocent people.

Community_resource_center_opens_kid_s_sa_3016150000_19085562_ver1.0_640_480As I shared, I want Mommy’s Open Diary to be a place of positivity but I also have to be honest. I’m not in a good place right now, but a bright spot are Mommy’s Open Diary supporters like Ericka Alston in Baltimore, who in the wake of protests and destruction in April, went to Penn North and felt the responsibility to respond to the pleas from the community. Just days after the unrest, on May 5th, she announced that by June 1st she was going to open a free drop-in recreation center for children ages 5-17. Three weeks later, she opened the Penn North Kids Safe Zone – a small 1000 sq. ft. formerly vacant laundromat that her and her family and friends transformed into a safe haven for the children of this blighted community. The Kids Safe Zone was open every day from 8AM to 8PM, FREE to any child in need of a safe place from the brutal streets of Sandtown. On the first day of school, August 31st they transitioned into an after-school program, open Monday thru Friday from 2PM to 8PM and on Saturdays from 12 Noon to 6 PM. Daily activities include movies, video games, board games, arts & crafts, computer lab, girls and boys mentoring, peer support groups, licensed counseling, field trips, guest speakers, a study lab, tutors and homework assistance. I donate to organizations like this, the 300 Men March movement and others like them throughout my city.

If we don’t have the answer I believe we should at least support those that are trying to be apart of the solution.

My diary is this, “A problem is a chance for you to do your best. What part are you playing?”

To donate to the family of Kendal Fenwick, please give here:





  1. Beautifully spoken… This journey of ours… Especially in Baltimore… It is unwritten… Underestimated… And over over sensationalized by the moniker “The Wire”…we live and love here everyday and even though we have some incrediblely tough moments we also have some fabulous times under appreciated parents and children that are beating the odds PDF what their surroundings have statistically wagered for them… Thank you… U needed that… BTW I’ve started a program teaching girls how to sew… Let me order if I can be or any assistance to you

    • Thank you so much Salimah. This diary entry was very personal to me and I appreciate you taking the time to read it and share.

  2. I ❤️ MOD !!!

    • Aww, and I love you for all the support!

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